Saturday, August 18, 2012
The concept of "Letting Go", and to be able to "Free Yourself", from your own mind has proven to be the hardest hurdle I have faced in forty years.
2012 has been a very trying year for me. This past month has shown me that no matter how hard I try, some aspects of life are not in my control. Acceptance of that fact is difficult for me. In my feeble mind, there should always be a solution to a particular problem. The realization came that I might not be a part of said solution.
But then why do I "feel" like I should be?
Plain and simple. Ego.
I have always been given the task in my own house to "figure things out". Even when I am told to let life just play out, I assume my family is just waiting for me to come up with the answers. When I have the answer, and no one is listening, Lord only knows why I get so anxious and frustrated! lol. It's my own fault!
Taking it minute by minute, hour by hour, and day by day, has proven to be better for me in the past week or so. When I saw the above picture, I understood. I cannot pretend to let go, and still try to control. I have to completely Free MYSELF of the burdens that I PLACE ON MYSELF.
Sharing light with Kimmy. Striving to create a path between the present course of events and a new course; leading to new outcomes.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Sharing light with Kimmy. I know my purpose of sharing light has dwindled in the past 10 days. I have not been in the serenity, and the Sharing Light mode. You can, and I did, allow the negative to consume me. Did it make me feel any better? We all know it didn't. I am striving to create a path between the present course of events and a new course; leading to new outcomes.This has been my goal since around 2007. It is easy to keep that goal, when you surround ourselves with positive, loving people. However, on this earth, there are times we must, and will encounter the other side.
I am a person that has to analyze and over analyze, why this situation or person is like this. In my sharing light, I wanted to tell this person that she is in the predicament she is in, because of her hateful words and actions. I was fooling myself. I was not the first person in her 67 years that tried to reach out in love. And I would be a fool to think there won't be people after me that might try to see it is our actions, not our words that cause either love, or turmoil.
We as human beings are easy to react quickly especially when we feel wronged, or used. In one can take ownership, one being myself, that it is not my duty of responsibility to force her to see the light.
I assume that in the next few days, I will be her topic of how rude I was, just like she's complained to Rick and I for decades on how everyone has been rude to her for 30 plus years. Of course I want people to see that I am not the crazy one. But if any one would have walked into one of our verbal tiffs, it would be hard pressed to take a side, since both parties are trying to prove a point.
I have a choice to make tomorrow. Let it all slide, or give the insane person a piece of my mind. I can ask myself, "What positive would come of it", and we all know.. nothing.
In this Kimmy trial, I have seen my friends that came out of the woodwork to support, laugh, tell me the truth, tell me I can do it, and offer hugs, and advice to get myself out of the house. I did this morning, and lookie; I have a better handle on what is actually happening. I also assume the Starbucks Vente Vanilla Latte with an extra shot of espresso calmed my nerves as well.
Prayer today, meditation, and one last load of laundry should be a good thing. I won't worry about tomorrow until tomorrow.
Thank you for all being there. My girls mean the most to me. Alyssa, Amy, Betsy, Jen Perkins, Auntie Elaine, Kimmy Lucas, Janet, Angela Regan, Maggie, Tracy, Gloria, Christina, Karen, Tina. And also all others that didn't feed into my madness vents. I know you care and wanted me to figure this out on my own. You are also appreciated.
I will make it tomorrow. Love you all.