Thursday, June 21, 2012
Perceptions of strength
I have been the Pillars of Strength since I can remember, and at age 40, I am truly losing hope in why I bother trying to keep it all together. What is the sense in working hard, doing what I think are the right things for myself, my family, my work, even here my website? Where is the serenity?
Working on five years sober, and getting myself out of debt, this crummy economy, people going their own paths, I think about my path, and what is the next phase in my life, if there even is one?
I am beginning to wonder if I am strong at all, or have I been just fooling myself because I do have a great husband that gets me through all my psychosis and depression.
Wouldn't it be easier to be helpless? Let people take care of me, and stop trying to add any value and meaning to my own world... When do I stop trying to be that role model, and just throw in the towel?
I have pushed most people away from me, by choice of course, and the ones left have pushed me away because I know my surreal perceptions of strength irritate more than inspire.
My good friend, and boss Dennis tells me all the time that I have to allow people to live their own lives, make their own mistakes. My best friend, and husband Rick wants me to block out the people that have walked away, because it is not my place to interfere.
As a self proclaimed empathic soul, the feelings I perceive from others tell me that they are not happy either. So why do I struggle if we all HUMANS are in the same boat?
In less than thirty minutes, I will force myself to take my pity party badge off, and just give all my strength to my work, and coaching others to find good work, and potentially a stepping stone to a good f new career. However it drains me. Where is my Pillar that will guide ME to my next journey?
I truly believe there is only so much cleaning, and routine I can accomplish before I crack. I won't turn back to alcohol, even though at this point numb and turning off the flooding emotions would be a well deserved and needed break.
My only other thought right at this moment is to get back to my church, which helps me focus on the higher purpose of life. However I do question if that is just another perception of my deranged thought process? I just do not know.
Sharing light with Kimmy. Striving to create a path between the present course of events and a new course; leading to new outcomes.
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