Thursday, June 21, 2012

Perceptions of strength

I'm tired my friends.

I have been the Pillars of Strength since I can remember, and at age 40, I am truly losing hope in why I bother trying to keep it all together. What is the sense in working hard, doing what I think are the right things for myself, my family, my work, even here my website?  Where is the serenity?

Working on five years sober, and getting myself out of debt, this crummy economy, people going their own paths, I think about my path, and what is the next phase in my life, if there even is one?

I am beginning to wonder if I am strong at all, or have I been just fooling myself because I do have a great husband that gets me through all my psychosis and depression.

Wouldn't it be easier to be helpless? Let people take care of me, and stop trying to add any value and meaning to my own world... When do I stop trying to be that role model, and just throw in the towel?

I have pushed most people away from me, by choice of course, and the ones left have pushed me away because I know my surreal perceptions of strength irritate more than inspire.

My good friend, and boss Dennis tells me all the time that I have to allow people to live their own lives, make their own mistakes. My best friend, and husband Rick wants me to block out the people that have walked away, because it is not my place to interfere.

As a self proclaimed empathic soul, the feelings I perceive from others tell me that they are not happy either. So why do I struggle if we all HUMANS are in the same boat? 

In less than thirty minutes, I will force myself to take my pity party badge off, and just give all my strength to my work, and coaching others to find good work, and potentially a stepping stone to a good f new career. However it drains me.  Where is my Pillar that will guide ME to my next journey?

I truly believe there is only so much cleaning, and routine I can accomplish before I crack.  I won't turn back to alcohol, even though at this point numb and turning off the flooding emotions would be a well deserved and needed break.

My only other thought right at this moment is to get back to my church, which helps me focus on the higher purpose of life. However I do question if that is just another perception of my deranged thought process?  I just do not know.

Sharing light with Kimmy. Striving to create a path between the present course of events and a new course; leading to new outcomes.

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  1. Kimmy you are so brave to be so open with your feelings, you inspire me to be more honest as well. I am in the same place as you, I've raised my kids, sacrificed my career goals and now I'm left with what??? I struggled for two years to make it back in the work place only to be kicked back to the curb because of my past mistake. No one but my family believes in me, no one wants to be the one to give me a second chance. I also feel that a drink would be a welcomed relief right now but in the long run I know it will do me no good. All I can say is to just keep being you, embrace yourself for all that you are, good bad or indifferent and forget what other's think of you, what other's expect of you. If they left, then they didn't deserve your beautiful friendship. Don't think to far into the future, remember one day at a time, one minute at a time if needed. In order to survive my latest crisis I'm telling myself everyday that I'm the best I can be right now and that just has to be good enough for me to accept. Try that for yourself and see if it helps.
    I love you bunches, and always will!!
    Janet :)

  2. This was quite a deep and powerful post. Sometimes we do get down in the dumps but hang in there. Your kids need you to be strong. Have you ever tried anti depressant drugs? You may want to talk to your doctor about it because these work for a lot of people.

    Also as I write this, the little dog in my header is leaning against my chest. I truly believe that animals lower our blood pressure and make us feel better. If you don't have a dog, you need to get one. If you have one, go give it a hug.

  3. I am a 60 year old man who has been sober since 17 December 1990.I suffer from COPD,Seizures,I am Bi-polar and in July I will be a 2 year survivor of a susicide attempt that damn near was successful,I live on a disability income.we still have about 6 more years before our house is paid point is that you just keep putting one foot infront of the other,and be thankful for what you have.I know I sure am. God Bless.

  4. Dear Kimmy,
    We all feel tired and find no sense in what we do but fortunately we are very much connected to others in our lives, that depend on us so we overcome these sad times.
    I also believe we are not born with a path, the society and our living inside it, make us chose a path for ourselves. Once we take that path, there is no coming back.
    Hang in there, it will pass sooner than you think :)


  5. I feel like that most days and when something good finally happens it all falls apart eventually but I keep going, smiling as always as if nothing happened even though I am breaking inside. Is there really a light at the end of the tunnel?