Monday, August 30, 2010
My Truth and Occasional Downfall
Years ago, I blogged before blogging was cool. I actually still have the Yahoo Group Soulthoughts. I have posts dating back to 2004, and some before that from Diaryland that I transferred in 2004.
Those were dark days. I go back and read them from time to time, and wonder how anyone dealt with my psychosis. I took everything as a personal slam.
I bashed others in return. I wanted to fight. I wanted the truth about me, and where I was going in life.
As a borderline personality, as stated in Girl, Interrupted, I thought I was completely messed up for life. But a strange thing happened when I would re-read my words. I realized "Kimmy" was the problem, and not the people around me. As years went by, I found that by writing in a journal, I could go back and laugh at myself, or worse, cringe on how freakin crazy I am.
Somewhere in 2005-2006, I went on my "spiritual" journey. I was free from hate, and was able to embrace all. Jesus, spirituality, Yoga, exercise, eating well. My life was probably the best ever.
Then life caught up. Work was at it's low. Money was tight, and alcohol was a great, great release. I could drink a bottle of RUM, and a six pack. It did nothing for my relationships, but I was able to escape all the toils of the day.
I have spent the last few years, since 2007, trying to seek again on what my role is in this life. This is another reason for Sharing Light in my journey. Sometimes my readers that "know" me in real life think I am talking about them. 99% of the time, I am talking about ME. But there are times, that I use my website to respond to something I saw, or heard. However, ALL of the time, is to speak my mind about responsibility and accountability. I mean it, how can we as the human culture get better, if we are constantly looking for someone or something to BLAME! That doesn't help anyone, especially our young minds that look to us to learn the right way. My mom use to blame my friends, one friend in particular for all my bad deeds. My mom didn't get that she was enabling me to always find someone else at fault. It took decades to learn that lesson on my own.
Besides work, home, and raising my daughter, who is 19 and needs to learn better than I did, I just try to focus on the moment I am in. I have been sober since December 2009, and not interested in drinking at all. I recently quit smoking too. I miss the menthol cigarettes, but it was time. I didn't want to quit, but I did want the money from the cigarettes.
As for friendships, it's not my specialty. LOL. I tend to speak my mind. I am not the type of friend that holds your hand you are touching a hot stove. I take a pan, and beat you over the head with it. I noticed people don't like that. I don't care. Accept everything about yourself - I mean everything, You are you and that is the beginning and the end - no apologies, no regrets.
Sharing light with Kimmy. My Truth and Occasional Downfall.
Striving to create a path between the present course of events and a new course; leading to new outcomes.
Photo taken from Girl.Interrupted. My girl Angelina Jolie.
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