Sunday, May 17, 2009

Author says Divorce Doesn't Scar Children -- Selfish Parents Do!

Author Rosalind Sedacca, says divorce doesn’t scar children. It’s selfish parents, blind-sighted by their emotions, that do the damage.

She says “it’s not divorce that harms children. It’s wounded parents who do not care, understand or see that their behavior is hurting the children they love.

It’s vindictive parents who put down the other spouse in front of their kids.

It’s parents who decide they should have sole custody or primary influence over the children with little regard as to the child’s relationship with their other parent.

It’s parents who confide their adult dramas to innocent children who just want to love both Mom and Dad.

It’s parents who put financial gain and material decisions over the emotional well-being of their children.

In essence, it’s selfish parents who put their own needs ahead of those of their totally dependent children when making life-altering parental decisions.”

I fill the Divorce Support site with articles on all aspects of divorce. The least read articles I write and publish are articles about children and divorce. The majority of the visitors to this site have children but the research they do on the subject of divorce rarely has anything to do with how their divorce will affect their children.

That is the most discouraging aspect of the work I do here at Divorce Support…the lack of interest my readers show in their children’s welfare.

I’m the mother of two. My sons were 7 and 14 when their father and I divorced. My youngest is now a very troubled teenager and it’s my opinion that his problems are directly related to the actions of a selfish parent. My son has been scarred because he had a parent who could not or would not see how his actions were hurting my son.

For example: He and his father were very close. His bond with his father was far deeper than the bond he had with me. When his father decided he no longer wanted to be married and left the home, it devastated our son. He went from having a father he adored and saw daily to a father he saw every other week. No phone calls or vistis in between.

My son went into a depression, started having panic attacks and had emotions to deal with that were heartbreaking. One night he went to his knees, grabbed me around my legs and begged me to call his father and tell him to come home. I called his father and told him our son needed his help. His father’s response, “I can’t deal with his pain right now, I have to deal with my own. You will have to take care of him.”

I remember thinking to myself, after that conversation that I didn’t realize there was a time that a parent was allowed to or would choose to put their own pain before the pain of their child. I was in pain, it is impossible to describe the rejection and fear I felt during that time. My main concern was not my pain though. It was the pain my children were experiencing and helping them cope.

The best advice I can give to parents who are divorcing is to put your own self-interest behind your children’s best interest. Let go of your vindictiveness, work together on custody issues so your children will be able to spend an equal amount of time with each parent. Fight for what is yours financially but don’t let you desire to come out on top trump your child’s emotional needs.
You are your child’s security. You and how you handle yourself during your divorce will influence the quality of life your child lives and the kind of adult they grow into. Please, make that your main focus!

Sharing light with Author Rosalind Sedacca! Thank you Rosalind!

Kimmy ~ Creating a path between the present course of events and a new course, leading to new outcomes.

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  1. Thank you, Kimmy, for spread the word. July is National Child-Centered Divorce Month and we want every parent in the nation to understand how their decisions affect their children both during and after divorce. Awareness helps avert negative consequences. Let's all help to spread the word!

    Thanks again,
    Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
    The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce

  2. I always had the feeling that although my parents didn't get a divorce, they should have. Instead, they just put me in the middle as a referee. They're still together. It's just easier, I suppose.