Thursday, January 8, 2009

When The Person You Love Doesn’t Love You

When The Person You Love Doesn’t Love You

It’s hard but it happens.

And it hurts.

You love someone who may have loved you once upon a time.


You love someone who acted like there was a possibility of love in return, but now there’s not.


You love someone who simply doesn’t feel the same way and isn’t going to feel the same way.



You loved someone deeply who loved you deeply and then this person just switched off and hurt you in ways that were unimaginable at the height of your mutual love.


This person loved you and you loved them and then someone new came along and they left. Friends tell you that you are better than this new person in every way. But your ex is still with Mr. or Ms. New Thing.

Whatever the situation, you’re left with a big pile of hurt. And it really hurts.

You go over your exchanges over and over in your mind. Where did it go wrong or fail to go right? What should you have done that you didn’t? What did you do that you shouldn’t have?

You feel rejected and less than. You feel as if there is something really wrong with you. You wonder what you could do to MAKE this person want you.

It’s frustrating if they are with a new person who doesn’t come close to being what you are. You seethe because this new person is a snake in the grass and your ex doesn’t see it. This new person is immature or unavailable or spoiled or just plain stupid. And your ex is enthralled none the less. What?

Or there is no one else and nothing else. This person just fell out of love one day. Or failed to fall in love on the day you did. That’s even more baffling. Wait. You’re choosing NOTHING over me? What?

Or your ex has spiraled into some other mindset. They’re depressed or upset or self-absorbed in some way. Wouldn’t you want someone to help carry the burden, you ask.

The answer is please leave me alone.

You’re freaking out. How is it that they want you to help by going away? WHAT?

The first emotion is disbelief. How can this be? How did I get here? How am I hurting over this person? Maybe your personality is draining away…you used to be fun and helpful and have a great sense of humor. Now you’re plain and dull and you’re boring all your friends with your sad refrain of unrequited love.

Part of you refuses to believe it. It CAN’T be so. Something will change. This is a phase. This is temporary. I’ll just sit here and wait for my love to smarten up and see the light. That is what I will do.

Better yet, I will change things. I will call him or her or text him or her. We will get into a big emotional conversation and I will persuade them that this is all wrong.

In the beginning it’s hardest to NOT do anything. You’re having trouble absorbing the news and the reality and before you feel the feelings of that reality you’re going to do your damndest to make it different or refuse to believe it.

Take your time but believe it. Let it slowly sink in and try to do the hardest thing there is to do: Nothing. Doing nothing in a situation like this takes energy. It takes a lot of energy. You will think you spend all your time NOT doing something. And that’s because you are.

Next come the feelings. You feel hurt, anger, betrayal. You feel rejected and less than. Your self-esteem is taking a hit from the feeling of rejection.

You might feel like a loser and begin to wonder how you can turn yourself into the person that this person will love.

Your mind may race with ideas. I’ll be quieter, thinner, happier. I won’t complain so much. I won’t rock the boat. I’ll like the insufferable family and friends that I couldn’t stand. I’ll go back to school. I’ll stop going to school. I’ll wear different clothes. I’ll buy a new car. I’ll get those allergy shots so I can be around that cat. I’ll work in a different industry. I’ll muzzle my kids. I’ll clean more. I’ll clean less. I’ll cook gourmet meals. I’ll listen when spoken to. I’ll go to bed earlier. I’ll go to bed later. I’ll go to church. I’ll stop going to church. I’ll pray. I’ll bargain with God. I’ll help the poor. I’ll devote myself to the eradication of world hunger. I’ll give my next paycheck to the church. I’ll join the Peace Corps. I’ll do anything, ANYTHING, if only You make this person come back. I’ll be everything You want me to be or everything this person wants me to be. I’ll do it all. I’ll do nothing. I’ll be more. I’ll be less. I’ll be everything and anything other than what I’m being right now. I’ll turn myself inside out to be the person he or she will love. I can do it. I will do it.


Stop right there. Forget about changing for someone else. Forget about bargaining for what you should have without bribing whatever deity you believe in. Forget about changing your whole life just so this narrow-minded little bonehead will love you. FORGET IT.

Every relationship is a learning experience. We learn what parts of us could use improvement. But not because this person found them unattractive or irritating but because YOU found them unattractive or irritating.

What did you do in this relationship or around this person (if you weren’t in a relationship) that could improve? Think about it. Journal about it. Think about ways to change it. But DON’T change things in yourself just because this person didn’t like it. Maybe this person has no taste or doesn’t know a thing. Don’t think of changing for another person. Only change for you. It’s OKAY to accept someone’s constructive criticism if it’s spot on and will help you in the end, but if not, just REJECT IT.

When you are leaving a relationship where someone doesn’t love you anymore or failing to move further in a relationship because someone won’t or can’t love you or not getting into a relationship because someone isn’t attracted to you, there is a HIT to the self-esteem. It’s a rejection no matter how you slice it. And it’s a rejection that stings.

The first thing you need to do is to take it in stride. Easier said that done? Yes. Everything is easier said than done so that phrase is meaningless.

Taking it in stride means telling yourself that you are okay no matter what. Yes, there might be things that need improvement but it is a lovable, worthwhile person who is willing to look at those things and change them. And if this person does not value all that you are and all that you can be there is only one sentiment to go in that direction: THE HELL WITH THEM.


It is time to REJECT THE REJECTER. And his or her ridiculous standards of measurement. Perhaps this person doesn’t know what he or she is losing. Perhaps this person has NO IDEA how worthwhile you are and what value you can add to their life.

That is their problem, not yours. You don’t want anyone who doesn’t think you are the end-all, be-all of lovers. You just don’t want them. They are stuck in some goopy substance that does not allow them to move off their position and see how great you are. That is their problem and their loss.

You have to see that the rejecter should be rejected. Do you want someone without vision? Without appreciation of all that you are and all that you can be? No, you do not. You want someone who loves you and thinks you are the best thing that ever happened to them. If this person doesn’t get that, then the hell with this person.

Stop talking to him or her. Stop trying to convince them otherwise. Stop waitng around for him or her to “get it.” The hell with anyone who doesn’t get it.

Or another possibility is that this person does recognize your value and how great you are but they are not in a place where they can be in a relationship. Maybe they’re not over their previous relationship. Maybe their life choices (home, job, school) are up in the air. Maybe it’s not about you in any way. It still hurts but this is something you can’t change. Even if you think that if the shoe was on the other foot YOU wouldn’t let such a catch get away, it doesn’t work that way for everyone. Some people simply can’t get there from here. Let them be. It’s not the right time and there is nothing you can do about it. Gently let it go. It’s hard and it hurts but gently let it go.

The bottom line is that you do not want someone who does not want you. That hurts and that stings. And that is not what love is all about. Don’t sit around waiting for this person to want you. Reject anyone who doesn’t want you. They are not worth it. The first prerequisite for love is to be mutual. Otherwise it’s not okay. Reject the rejecter.

Stephen Levine once said, “The road is hard. Love softens it.”

Requited love, mutual love, real love softens it.

And until that love comes from a romantic partner who values you and sees how wonderful you are, get that love from family, friends and YOURSELF. You MUST be good to yourself as you move on from someone who does not value you enough to want an exclusive, romantic relationship with you.

Because who knows what (or who) you are missing as you roll around in the mud with this numbskull. Get on with your life and become the person you always wanted to be.

GET READY for true love, real love, lasting love. Get ready for a relationship with yourself and THEN a relationship with a loving and appreciative person who WILL come into your life once you learn to value YOU. And you start valuing you by rejecting the rejection and the rejecter. The hell with it.

Be good to yourself. Today and always. In a relationship or out of a relationship. Be good to you.

Do your affirmations.

Tell yourself that mr. or ms. right is OUT THERE and he or she will value you for the person you are. In the meantime work on whatever needs working on. Have your feelings…let them out…write about them, talk about them but allow yourself the feelings. Don’t contact this person who does not value you. Be grateful it did not go any further. Be glad you are letting go of someone who doesn’t value you. Their presence will not soften the hard road. Their presence will just make things harder and THAT IS NOT WHAT WE WANT IN A PARTNER.

In a partner we want someone to share life’s sorrows and joys. We want someone who is there day in and day out. If this person can’t handle us without a big problem in our lives, why would we think they could handle it? They can’t.

Let them go and hold on and hold out for someone who loves you for you. There IS that person out there. Mr. or Ms. Right will never question your value. Will never not love you unconditionally. If this person has rejected you in some way, he or she is NOT the one for you.

You might think this person is perfect in every way. No this person is not. Because this person doesn’t WANT you and the person who is perfect will want you. Not wanting you and not appreciating you and the value you bring to someone’s life is NOT a little thing. It’s a big thing. And if this person doesn’t love you and doesn’t want you and doesn’t appreciate you, then they are not perfect and their flaw is a fatal flaw and you need to reject the rejecter. You must.

If you’re trying to “win” in some way, ask yourself why? Does this go back to childhood? Are you trying to win over a cold and rejecting parent or caretaker? Are you trying to prove your self-worth by showing the world that someone else wants you?


Journal about the things you are trying to “win” over. Journal about how locked into this struggle you are. Is it really about this person and this period in time or does it go way way way back? Stop re-injuring yourself. Reject this rejecter and every rejecter that came before. Do your affirmations. Know that you are worth it. The hell with all the rejecters.

Even if you love this person, this person does not love you….and the person for you will love you. Deeply and Completely.

It exists.

It happens.

It is possible.

In the meantime you MUST MUST MUST be good to you and know your value and understand your value and get your value from inside you and not outside.

Be good to you.

Move on from rejection. Feel your feelings. Reject the rejecter.

Celebrate the you that is you.

And know that the right person for you is out there.

Susan from

I came across this site called Getting Past your Past

This is an original Getting Past Your Past posting authored and copyrighted by Susan J. Elliott, Esq. The expression “Reject the rejector” is an original GPYP quote and the trademark application is pending. If you use this expression without crediting, it is a trademark violation.

If you take significant portions of this post, it is plagiarism. If you rewrite it in your words but still follow the same outline and sentiment it is PLAGIARISM.

If you repost it without crediting it to Susan J. Elliott, Esq., it is copyright infringement and is actionable under the laws of these United States. Please review Susan's copyright policy.

I share her words here, because I believe this is the best writing on this subject. I can't tell you how many people ask me about how to win back the one they love. This might help. Please also visit Susan's wonderful site.

Sharing the light with others,

Do you like my blog pictures? Feel free to copy them into a book for yourself via INSTAGRAM!


  1. Very well said! Thanks for posting! :)

  2. wow that really helped, im going to try my best to follow that..i hope im strong enough to go through with it. you described everything right on.

  3. You are brilliant! You just made me realize that I have so much to give and all I need to do is love myself and the people that reach out to me with open arms.....not the ones who don't deserve it.

  4. I am only sharing what I have learned and found in my search!

  5. I went to a therapist session for the first time last night and all of these things you stated, my thearapist told me. I actually found your site by accident, but your link caught my attention. I have been trying to get past my first love/boyfriend and possibly my rough childhood and it has been a struggle for me. I find myself still trying to convince my ex that I still love him and to get back with me, although he has moved on! Long story short.....My heart wont let him go and I dont know how to let it ALL GO! thanks for your words and inspiration!

  6. You hit on so many important points. The most significant and hardest to me, however, is the comment to reject the rejecter.
    Thank you for your insight.

  7. You got it down to the T. I just can't seem to make a girl like me, and it hurts so much. I basically knew all of what you said already, but it helps so much reading it aloud to myself, and also knowing that others have experiences this as well.
    Thankss :)

  8. Great post. Recently the grl i've been with for yrs now left me. Months before she left I discovered i really love her and that she was the grl of my dreams. She apparently fell out of love for me and has since had other "guys around." She tells me she cares, but its not the same. She tells me she knows no one will care about her the way i do, but she wants to go out and see what's out there. Deep down i want to hold out, but long story short reading what you wrote really lays it out for me. Thanks for some direction... Feeling so lost this really gave me some light =) thank you


    And now I would like to tell the story from the other side.

    This is for person that has done the rejecting.

    The person that, despite having the most loving and caring partner written about, has been painfully honest with themselves - for the sake of being fair to their ex-partner.

    The person that has had to make the tougher call and end the relationship.

    The person who now, as a result, carries the painful burden guilt and remorse for having to inflict pain on someone and send their life spiralling into uncertainty.

    The person who has to take responsibility for the hurt. The person that more than anything wants to reach out and explain that it wasn't their partner's fault. That they did nothing wrong. They are still beautiful. They are still attractive. They are still faultless. They're just not for them.

    But instead of being able to communicate, they are stuck in exile, knowing that contacting them will just hurt them more, ignite false hope or set them back.

    And consequently they remain trapped in a no-man's-land. Stuck with only their guilt and self-remorse. Their confusion and bewilderment why THEY are not able to love the person in the same way.

    Guilt because they hurt the person. Self-remorse because no matter what they do, how much they rearrange the equation, how long they keep trying to convince themselves or “live a lie”, they simply cannot make themselves love that person enough.

    And not facing this truth means stringing the other person along, and wasting their time, and selling them short. And as easy as that might be in theory, their conscience simply won’t allow it.

    And while they know exactly what they're missing out on, that such an amazing opportunity may never come their way again, that the person was probably too good for them anyway, they have had to make that tough decision.

    And face the ramifications of that: the shock and disapproval of the in-laws and family that expected a wedding.

    The people that think you've ended it to run off with an 18-year-old secretary. Or are having an early mid-life crisis. Or have simply shown your true colours as a deceitful, callous person that deliberately went out to string their daughter along.

    When in reality, you were just trying to act with integrity. Even though wanted to believe in the relationship more than anything in the world. Even though you kept going in the hope that one day you would feel that love so deeply that this would be right.

    But ultimately, you couldn’t keep it going. You had to be honest. You had to honour yourself as well as the other person.

    I want to tell you something:

    Provided you didn’t cheat, you didn’t intend to deceive, and you were absolutely honest at the point you realised you weren't capable of feeling the same way, you are not a bad person.

    You did nothing wrong.

    You do not have to beat yourself up, or inflict more pain on yourself, or hate yourself for hurting the other person.

    You have set them free. You have been brave. You have been courageous. You have set them towards something and someone that will allow their love to be truly reciprocated.

    You’re alone in the world, because of posts like these, which suggest that – being the rejecter you deserve to be rejected.

    But you don’t. If you acted with honesty and integrity, you have done everything you can. The outside world might look at you disapprovingly, or even hate you, but by honouring your true self you have been fair to yourself and, more importantly, to your ex-partner.

    And painful though it is (especially when no one is on your side) you will one day come to reconcile yourself and understand that.

    Your side of the story may never be truly acknowledged, but you have allowed the other person to find true, mutually reciprocated, happiness.

    And when the alternative is keeping that person in a one-sided relationship, freeing them is the ultimate gift.

    (Kimmy, would love your thoughts on this? x)

  10. You could not have summed this up better.

  11. I needed to read this, thank you for writing it. I love someone who doesn't feel the same towards me after being together for a while. It's tough, but I must move on. Again, thank you.

  12. My husband of twenty years once told me that is he ever fell out of love with me, he would leave. He said it wouldn't be fair to continue the relationship. I agree 100% that if you are "out of love" you have to end it. That is the right thing to do. Sadly, the person on the other end isn't in your shoes, and struggle with that. Thus this post. We, as human beings, can only control how we act, how we feel, and how we choose to view the circumstances. Of course I would be devastated if my husband fell in love with someone else. However, I am not going to shackle him down so he is miserable. If I do that, all I have to do is look in the mirror and know why he left. On the flip side, once you walk out that door. It locks. My heart is not revolving. That's my protection!

  13. I never knew that,this,answer was out There.God,thank you so ican affermate myself.We have been married for 30 years.unfortunately im the one still in love,boy does it hurt.A marine,with butterflies in my stomach.i cant help it to feel so ugly and being used.thanks for opening my eyes.Some time you just have to feel it.

  14. I came to this site looking for what I wanted to read and I did. I felt empowered and determined to move on with my life but the little trick implied moving on with some sense of hate towards the one that doesn't love me. Ironically, I read one of the responses and turned out to enlighten me even more as I realized at some point I was forcing my love in the way to my beloved's heart, maybe putting that person in a tought position. I had been seeking contact and had been accepted. We've kissed, I had given gifts and had sex yet this person doesn't love me and in more than one chance it's been a clear statement which I tend to forget and go back to my old habbits of giving my love. Reading the other side of the story, what the rejecter goes through I come to realize I myself have been a "bad person" for not letting the one I love be free and seek for what he wants. I guess this is the time for me to move on, perhaps lonely but knowing that I cannot hurt someone either by making them feel guilty for me.

  15. yea it hurts and sometimes feel like you arent good enough for anyone after that person stops liking you. Dont worry, most relationships unfortunately end when you dont want them too... Trust me one day youll meet the one and youll know it when you see the person. thank you for the wise words.

  16. I could not stop crying reading this.
    Getting over someone is so hard :,(

  17. Very nice n helpful. Thank u.