Monday, December 22, 2008

What is your Relationship Pattern?

In the past few years, my friends and family have all come to me with questions on their relationships. I have struggled with helping them, trying to point out errors in their judgement and choice.

This morning, I realized that I was going about it in the wrong way. People have to recognize the behavior patterns, rather than the individual situations. Today's blog is dedicated to the ones I have frustrated more than I helped.

Many men and women know the definition of insanity (doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result) and in spite of this knowledge, they continue to date or marry the same type of person while expecting a different result.

Most coaches who have been practicing for a few years are familiar with this pattern. Usually those individuals who practice relationship insanity only enter therapy because they are in intense pain and they are desperate.

Most of these people want their circumstances to be different, but they often don't want to change their behavior that is contributing to their pain.

It is very common to have a friend nod in agreement when I point out WHY they are having trouble and then repeat the same behavior. If it wasn't so tragic, it would be funny.

If you have friends going through this, help them identify their particular pattern. Focusing only on an isolated incident isn't very effective because most people believe it is a one time occurrence caused by circumstances beyond their control.

They truly believe that they are an innocent victim who is powerless over their current circumstance (usually regarding a romantic relationship). They look for the "mistake" they made with a particular person and seek what to do to fix the relationship.

Those who insisted that all they needed to do was find the right person were destined to continue their downward spiral indefinitely regardless of the amount of relationship advice or intense therapy they undertook.

When a person is willing to learn from their accept responsibility for their patterns, they then have the ability to change those patterns and get the results that they want because it's will always be true -- Patterns don't lie.


Inspired from an articles I found via google this morning, regarding relationships.

Portions taken from Copyright 2007 Bob Grant. All rights reserved.


  1. So true, how many times do people split up with a person only to find someone almost exactly like them?

  2. Hi Kimmy,
    I went through those situations in my early twenties, I grew up in a dysfuntional home and when I moved in with my husband, I recreated the cahos that I grew up with. Until I realized I had to change playing the victim role, nothing would get better. So I did change and life got so much better for us, that we have been together for 25 years. All the advise in the world will do no good until they learn to change themselves. When they get healthy they find healthy relationships. I posted two awards for you on my blog,
    Thanks for sharing,
    Janet :)